Loss

Driving our newborn baby girl home from the hospital, my husband – we’ll call him Methuselah and we’ll call me Mrs. Methuselah for the sake of this discussion because I have been “of advanced maternal age” since I started having babies. Who comes up with these age distinctions anyway? – driving through the green fields he was articulating his belief that our family was definitely complete. I remember a clear impression that we would have one more baby someday, a boy.

A few years later, we had our baby boy and we planned to call him Lev.

After Lev’s passing, I went into the worst and darkest space I have ever known in every possible way: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Thankfully, one of my dearest friends reached out about a year later with a life-line in the form of a job. It saved my sanity and feeds my belief that work is truly the healing balm for many things wrong in our lives!

Loss is an interesting concept. Every year the emotion is just as raw and just as painful. Grief, pain, the sting of loss never eases – we just get used to it – it becomes part of us, a familiar companion permeating our hearts and lives.

Soooooo many people are blessed with what they call “Rainbow Babies” after losing a baby. We had ours, too. That ended in more loss on August 15, 2018.

For a while I decided God just didn’t trust me to be a mother to more than my two living children. And, knowing myself as I do, who could blame Him?! Given the field in which I am blessed to work, I am fairly sure that trustworthiness is not a criteria for motherhood. There are some real doozies out there!